Carried this far
Recently, a tumblr friend asked us what the most beautiful moments of our lives were.
Well… I thought I would share mine. It’s a small moment in how I came to Christ, but it is one of the most important. I’ve been scared to tell this story for a long, long time. But I have nothing to lose when my worth is in Him. Lord, I release this to you.
So.
I was 16 years old. I was struggling with homosexuality. I met an older man, much older. I hated my life, this confusion of light and dark, and it got the point where it was just too much. So, I resolved to run away. My father was physically abusive, and I was so done with it. You don’t know confusion until you’ve experienced this…this insanity. Depression, anger, despair, rage, confusion, it all controlled my life. I just wanted out…I wanted to be free. It was such a dark time…it’s so strange to look back now, having grown up in a large, religious family, how I could’ve been so deceived and so lost, but I was so alone, and without guidance.
Before I ran away, I wanted to return to the retreat that I had been going to for years with my family in the cloud-kissed, pine-laden mountains of New Hampshire, on a clear lake, beautiful and simple and what a child’s heart yearns for. It called to me, this wanting to recapture that sense of peace. So, as my last act before my desperate escape, I went back with my family.
On the second to last day, the pastor preached this entirely convicting message on the Parable of the Sower, and the Holy Spirit begin to shift inside my soul, like an eagle in a straw cage. I could find no rest, so I made my way to a place of solitude by the beach, hoping to find God. I found a friend weeping where I had intended to find silence.
I sat down to comfort him, but he was unwilling to discuss it. I told him “If you are willing to share with me, I will share with you”. And he did, this story of heartbreak, which seems silly now, but it was heartfelt at the time, he was broken over it.
So, I confessed it all.
And, in the tears and in the quiet, a small voice from deep within said “Alright, God, I’m tired. I give up, You win”.
So gently, so mightily, so forcefully, so caressingly, like a tidal wave and a whisper, He entered into my soul. Illuminating, healing, covering, unveiling, holding, loving, Love in pure radiance….there are no words. To this day, all of life’s greatest pleasures are just metaphors to His presence. He was Endless Hope, He was the Final Answer. He was True Love, He was True Meaning. He was everything I’d every dreamed of, and He was like nothing I’d ever imagined. He was Reality, I was a shadow.
And He still is. And I still struggle, and every day is a battle. And there have been so many times where I thought I was too far gone, but always remains that gentle whisper, the Presence gentle in the back of my mind, confirming that I am His.
That was the most beautiful moment.
